Freeda Boedigheimer

Today I am going to bring Freeda’s ashes home. I’ve spent the holidays trying to survive looking at the Christmas tree, under which she took her final breath, and now I can’t force myself to take it down. I need to change my bedclithes but I don’t want to wash away her scent. I’ve watched the world mourn One Tooth and Odin and watched bundleofbullies creator Maren post countless videos and photos of her dogs she lost, and thought about how differently we grieve. I hold my grief inside. I can’t say their names.. can’t look at their photos.. can’t talk about how it happened… can’t take the condolences that make me cry over and over. I know she was loved by so, so many, and I am sorry I can’t do it publicly like Maren does. But I know y’all loved her and know how much I loved her, too.

I been trying to embrace her children, her brother, and my hounds to survive this… that works a little when the sun is coming through the window. But at night when I keep waking up reaching for her and calling her name til i wake up enough to realize she’s gone.. the other dogs can’t fill my arms. No dog will ever replace my beautiful Freeda… and the heartache will never go away. I love you Freeda and don’t know how to live without you. You were my comfort, my protector, my best friend. Through tears, through pain, through heartbreak, through poverty, though long cold Iowa nights, and hot awful Arkansas days, you were my strength, my rock, my best friend, and my soul mate. When no one else loved me.. you always did. When I didn’t want to live anymore, you gave me a reason to keep on. I will always love you.